The following, I’m not sure when it was written

It’s so fucking exhausting, having to practice the theories from books, considering others in every aspect, I truly have no energy left
No one considers me. I’m really fed up, I really want to find someone to talk to, to say how much I am suffering,
I am truly so lonely.
They have all left me.
Especially her. She doesn’t care. She hasn’t changed a bit.
I don’t even know what exactly I am crying about.
I envy them so much.
I really have a hard time suppressing the urge to go find her.
She occupies too much of my memory. Why is it like this.
She doesn’t want me anymore.
I really feel like an abandoned child.
Why why why.
Why did he have to cancel the agreement.
Why can plans never be executed as scheduled.
Why am I so indecisive and worried.
Why can’t I find my own heart.

I want so much to be loved. To be loved specifically. I crave love so much. I want so much to expose all my weaknesses. I want so much to forget her.
The pity is, no one will come.
Why do I want to forget her? Because she is purely causing me internal strife. Past beautiful memories are wrapping around the present to wear me down. Her changing is almost impossible. And this is who she is. She is not wrong. I am not wrong. It is no one’s fault. Meeting was the mistake.
Therefore I hope to forget her.
Hope to have never met her.
I hope so. Then I wouldn’t be crying snot and tears in the middle of the night, wetting a whole patch of the pillow with tears.
My mind is full of her, full of memories, I can’t help regretting why I didn’t delete her before.
Night is when emotions are most prone to collapse.

I constantly try to please myself, ordering the KFC I want to eat for myself, changing new bed curtains for myself, changing a new phone for myself, changing expensive headphones for myself, changing a new schoolbag for myself, changing a new mouse for myself, buying usable pens for myself.
I still can’t forget the crimes ** committed against me.
Including but not limited to abandoning me since childhood, I have no right to forgive her on behalf of my past self, absolutely not. Including but not limited to… her terrifying face remaining in my memory, terrifying expression, terrifying posture, terrifying exterior.

I can still think of that day. What happened that day still affects my present. I am still very grateful to that teacher, should be the counselor of the Class of '22 School of Computer Science, I only remember his name was two characters. Thank him for providing me the opportunity to cry it all out thoroughly. Before that and since then, I have never had a single chance to cry so freely, to have someone willing to accept my emotions. That day I wandered by the river for a long time, how lucky, that I could meet him.

As if the whole universe didn’t see me.

I saw *** liking ***'s status update again.
Fuck, want to delete her, block her. So fucking annoying. Dumbass, right. Something wrong with her. Fucking definitely a dumbass, right.

The more I think of her the more annoyed I get.
Heart is full of fire.
Full of fire.

Want her to completely disappear from my world.
It’s fine, just a friendship of over a year, not considered too deep, not considered too deep, really not considered too deep.

She is not worthy.

I have been pondering recently whether to delete her or not.
The Sword of Damocles, hanging at my fingertips, swaying teeteringly.
I don’t know how many times I’ve reached the final step, recently I even muted WeChat messages. Every night is this draining.

The above

It is now 1:40 AM on 2025.7.20, I’m not sure when the above was written.
In the dead of night, I want to * again.
This is the first time this thought has come near me in such a long time.
Maybe it’s related to the One Hundred Years of Solitude I’m reading. Reading about Rebeca hiding in the bathroom for hours sucking her finger, trying her best to resist the temptation of eating earth, I just can’t overcome the temptation of eating ***.
Really want to ** once again to see what * looks like, pity I don’t wear a watch, although I’m in long sleeves.
Really want to let ** stop right here. Originally always ** due to inertia, suddenly that wall was broken, thoughts about the possibility of ** stopping flooded into my mind.
Desperate July.
My emphasis on honesty is likely taught to me by Li Sao.
Though my passions be truly fair and disciplined, what matters it if I look haggard and worn?
If they know me not, let it be so, provided my true feelings remain fragrant.
I would rather suddenly die and fade away, for I cannot bear to adopt such an attitude.
But the sad and lonely emotions within it definitely infected me too.
The bird of prey does not flock with the common; such has been the way since times of old.
Now One Hundred Years of Solitude has further ignited this loneliness.
Our standpoints, too hard to find common ground. Even though her standpoint is easily perceived, how to account for both simultaneously.

I would willingly wait for him to come before me with a trembling heart in a bathroom covered by yellow butterflies and fallen leaves and full of scorpions.

To think this was already a matter of '22, huh.

She should be Rebeca. I like her very much. At least I can truly feel Rebeca’s loneliness. What is the difference between being sent to grandparents’ home since childhood and being sent to adoptive parents’ home, biological parents are no different from being dead.

Suddenly remembered I also tried reading The Courage to Be Disliked before, too positive, too absolute, too hard to achieve, probably only read the first part then felt a wave of nausea and gave up reading.

It was really too disgusting too disgusting too disgusting.

Continue writing some memories, suddenly surging in the mind, I must avoid forgetting.

Interesting term “Worship ** Cult”.

The waves of Twitter have changed many times, I, a person from the dynasty before the last on this Chinese Twitter sphere, really can’t find companions in time anymore, only a few people added on other contact methods back then, still have connections thin as gossamer threads.

After the pandemic, feel like the vitality is gone, everything has changed.

I miss it.

Remembered Jingjing also mentioned views on the high school era, haha, us, we have already boarded the ship of time, on the sea of university, the shore of high school is getting farther and farther, farther and farther, inevitably and sorrowfully leaving us.

High school **** also caused influence, thank the school for not forcing me to suspend my schooling. ** is very haggard but that is what she deserves, if not for her none of this would have happened.

Don’t know if it is ** either.

Pity, no one can talk about these things, no one can be a psychological counselor, no one is willing to understand me, because I am also not willing to understand others. Putting oneself in another’s shoes is really hard. Really hard.

Especially for the exhausted me, I can’t even take care of myself, where would I have the energy to manage interpersonal relationships? Fuck, want to *.

Fuck, want to *.

Let’s bring the topic back to ***.

I also don’t know why I keep thinking of her, I also fundamentally don’t know what I need. I really really really want to completely forget her, because it is impossible between us.

Fuck why haven’t I deleted her yet?

Really too meaningless!

Can’t let go, really can’t let go, really really can’t let go.

Yeah, *** is still always following ***.
Want to **.

Actually what difference does deleting or not make, for her.

It’s just that I can’t get past my own kindness, my own conscience.

I need to make myself feel better.

This is my fault, all my fault.

It is like this, it is just like this.

I recall the day I returned to school after suspension.
That day was even decided by drawing lots. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha, drawing lots to decide which experimental class I go to, hahahahahahaha, this was truly the lot that decided fate.

I recall the New Year’s Gala.
I recall her grades.
I recall that day, a certain day returning to school, I was hiding hiding hiding in the toilet. Then ***** wanted to find me, truly disgusting.
I like the privacy of the toilet, oh god, truly a perfect world, safer than my own room: I recall again the promise ** made back then, the promise to the middle school me was, would not step half a step into my room. This was of course impossible in implementation. Just to get me to move into the new house to live.
Very good, new house.

Grandpa and Grandma treat me very well, their emotions have always been stable.

**'s emotional instability is still my nightmare now.
Causing me to never dare to believe her love for me, fearing if there is a day it ends. Just like those certain days in the past.

I recall again the glass table in the living room, that blue bed in the room, that hanging picture, oh god that hanging picture, Elaina’s faded hanging picture, I also want to hang something.

I remembered again she forced me to swim! Fuck PE, fuck PE. It’s just 40 points in the High School Entrance Exam, what’s so important? No matter how well I test I can’t test out of the county high school, no matter how bad I test I can get into the county high school. So why can’t I be allowed to give up PE? Why do you get to decide for me? Why do you get to decide for me without permission? Clearly I said so, this is disrespect to me.

You guys simply don’t care about me.

Who cares, who cares, who cares. Just like I don’t care about others, who cares about me. If even parents don’t care.

I’m afraid I have to write it down again: The childhood me, the me in second year of middle school, towards father’s passing, really did not feel huge or even slightly large, sadness.

Yes, even now I don’t feel it. He certainly left me good impressions, but bad impressions are often etched deeper in memory.

I want to cry. I want to cry. Cry for my nonexistent companion. Cry for my past love. The only, past, beautiful, memory.

The one involved is blind, the one involved is blind.

Why can’t one choose one’s own **.

Any music any volume is too noisy ah.

No one will come.

If only there was a self-service *** device, just the only trouble is for the person cleaning up my **, if really could just ** nothing that would be good.

Nothing will be worse than now.

It is now 2025/7/23 20:59:21

Don’t know what I want to write.

Why so negative oh god (

Anyway venting with words is still very good.

LMAO, no one will read.

By the way, to avoid excessive negativity, and causing the lowering of social evaluation of certain specific people, used “*” to replace some characters in the original text.

Then when asking AI, found that I didn’t code enough, so coded more and more (

Grandpa’s words suddenly flew in from memory, that was him on the phone persuading me to be happy. Oh god, don’t know why it’s so warm.

Hahaha and at the graduation banquet he might have realized I only invited one classmate and it was a female classmate, afterwards even asked her if she was my girlfriend hahaha, seeing me not answer even said now it’s okay to date. Can only say indeed liked her oh, pity, pity time does not wait for me.