Literally half a lifetime ago.
July 1, 2015 Thursday Weather: Sunny
Today the holidays finally started! Dad,
please come back soon! Luckily the summer
homework workbook is finished, saving me from a lot of home-
work
July 9, ____ Sunday Weather: Overcast turning to rain
Today I wrote a hundred problems for Mom
to do, but she definitely won’t finish them,
don’t even try to fool me.
July 26, ____ Sunday Weather: Sunny
Everything in this world has an ugly
side, the money shaken from the money tree is replaced by
something else, the master of the money tree perhaps has unspeakable
secrets, perhaps there is no shaken-out money, per-
haps there is no money tree, perhaps the money tree
doesn’t exist at all.
Life is a wandering existence without a fixed home, how many
storms will it meet, how many storms? In the
storms, barely clinging to life, every-
one is forced by life,
and will have a different fate, everyone,
must go through the great storms of life,
and challenge them, defeat them, life might
fail, but that is just how life is.
Wuwei, is what Lao Confucius and Laozi con-
sidered the highest state of life, yet here I am
using rain the so-called “rainbow” of after the storm to
try and interpret its meaning
Utterly ridiculous!
I really wish I could achieve wuwei,
Heh, I got interrupted by someone! This must be that
little water droplet or the splashing fish!
————To a wandering, drifting
youth!
Gazing at the clouds on the horizon, I so wish to become a little
bird flying in the blue sky, carefree and without worries……
I guess this is life!
July 27, 2015 Monday Weather: Sunny
Golden sunlight spills across the window lattice.
What,
is truly eternal?
July 29, 2015 Wednesday Weather: Sunny
(This page only has the date and weather written on it, not a single word else)
August 31, 2015 Day: __ Weather: ____
Ah!
Sigh, school is about to start, and I haven’t touched a single word of my
homework. Took a look at the workbook, luckily there is very
little homework.
September 1, 2015 Day: __ Weather: ____
Sigh, sch school still started anyway, I hope
there’s no English class this morning, and please don’t go over
the homework either!
September 22, ____ Day: __ Weather: Rainy
It’s been like so long since I wrote a composition,
what should I write about?
October 28, ____ Wednesday Weather: Overcast
Good Good news never leaves the gate, while bad news travels a thousand miles!
Why did such rotten luck have to happen to
me? When I do well you say nothing, when I do very well you
say nothing, when I do exceptionally well you still say nothing! Why
is it always like this? Why is it that the moment I do poorly
you have to talk talk about it? Everything has two sides,
okay? Why do you treat me like this?
Why? I hate you! XXX! I
hate everything about you, why did you bring promote me
up! Why? Why?
Why? Why? Wh
Why?
Whyy? Why? Wh Ah, after three
weeks, after twenty-one days, after 504 hours,
after, 30240 minutes, everything will be
over, it must be over!
Having written so much, my mood has calmed down
a bit, but I still hate you, XXX!
You X-surnamed bastard, I’ll make sure you die a horrible death!
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha
ha. My mood still can’t completely calm down, why
is that? Why? I can’t
write that much anymore, and I don’t
want to vent my anger anymore either, the sun will always set
anyway, stop coming to bother me, you person outside
the door!
Added on the 29th: Looking at the handwriting, there’s an
indescribable feeling.
This is just a tool for venting anger, nothing more,
of course, its endurance is very strong!
October 29, ____ Wed Thursday Weather: Rainy
Only after surviving a disaster do you know what
thrill truly means, but the thrill will fade away as time
goes by, and once again, pain!
Why do I think feel afraid?
Because behind the thrill lies inevitable||
doom
AH! │ AH! (Very large, wildly scribbled cursive characters)
（ ˘ ᵕ ˘ ） (Here a simple drawing of a big round face smiling with closed eyes is sketched)
He is no longer here exists!
Does not exist!
Dual personality (×_×) Only he exists! (A small circle face drawn with four X’s in two rows, top and bottom)
Upon reading Lesson 25, doth this world hold a kindred spirit for
me!? Surely none, alas! No None can fathom the voice of
mine heart!
Why? Am I a scorpion?
October 30, ____ Day: Rain 4 Weather: Overcast and rainy
When I want to write in my diary I can’t, and when I feel
nothing the notebook is right in front of me, facing my
diary I am so often like this.
I always get inexplicably bored.
Does this self-hypnosis method actually
work? Can I do my homework earlier?
I don’t know!
Sigh, off to do homework.
Added at 5:43, self-hypnosis really didn’t work,
better just write it tomorrow!
(On the left side, a stick figure is drawn taking up the whole page, eyes closed and mouth downturned very unhappily, with two swirls on its cheeks, a ♡ drawn on its chest with the words “A casual doodle work”, its lower body scribbled into a black ball, and the words below all squeezed to the right of the figure)
What time tomorrow to write write
write it?
It’s roughly a
1000-word essay
40 mins to copy it down
At most 50 mins, plus
doing the rest, what if I get up
at 5?
By 6
finish copying, should be able to finish it all before 7:30, right? But
But can I wake up at 5? God of Diaries, I beg you to let me wake up at 5!
November 2, ____ Day: __ Weather: ____
Today was truly a day full of twists and turns, yet
I don’t even know where these twists and turns came from, could it
be because I couldn’t find my diary?
Haha! Naturally so,
but there is still a huge boulder weighing on my
heart.
No matter what, I just can’t cheer up.
What kind of day is this?
Looking forward to tomorrow’s addition 囧 (A wry smiling face)
Is anyone out there my kindred spirit?
I am just a lonely scor-
pion and nothing more, even to a bosom good friend I won’t open my
heart, only to that true friend.
Then where is that tr true friend?
A bosom friend to whom I can bare my heart?
I’m afraid there isn’t one, right?
Perhaps,
it’s the diary? then?
It seems that is indeed so.!
───────────────────────┐
◄──────────────────────┘
(Here a very long back-and-forth arrow is drawn, hooking from the left to the right and then folding back)
Devoid of the seven emotions, is man no longer man?
What then is man?
Immortal? Demon? God? Buddha?
I don’t know. Alas!
X/X, ____ Day: __ Weather: ____
Recording phone lock screen password
Memo: XXXX
Recording tablet lock screen password
Memo: 8 7 1
9 2 6
3 4 5
(On the left side, three 3x3 grid pattern lock drawings are sketched)
November 3, ____ Day: __ Weather: ____
Twin Gods rise, Heaven and Earth weep.
A thousand calamities, ten thousand ages of woe.
The Divine Realm in peril, the God-King returns.
The Mortal Realm in chaos, plagued by rebellion.
Heaven’s sec secrets leaked, the fountainhead runs dry.
NethNether stirs, the root of ruin appears
……
Who shall march with me to conquer the Three Kingdoms?
Date 4 · 6 · 2019
Whenever I think of what I’ve accomplished, I want to roar at you right in front of me:
“I fucking made it in! I fucking made it!” And then tears would roll down.
What I think is, if I didn’t make it, I should just go and die, otherwise, the darkness of these past three months will devour my soul and flesh together, and tears will forever only appear at the most inexplicable moments.
I laughed and laughed until I cried, hysterical, in agony wishing for death, my soul having nowhere to rest.
I will eternally fall into Avici Hell, I will lose everything within three months, and then lose myself, lose everything, lose everything, lose the right to lose, lose the consciousness of surviving. Lose the right to pain and laughter, lose freedom, lose emotions, lose direction, lose the stars in the night sky, lo■■■■■■ight, lose the ■un, lose the overcast days, lose the clouds, lose the cool water droplets, lo■■■■■■■■■■■sness to feel, lose everything, lose it all, lose every■■■■■■■ belongs to me.
Lose everything, within three months■■
But I fucking made ■■ in!? I fucking ■■■■!? Why you are you still doing this, I made ■■… To escape death, I made it in, why are you still doing this■■telling me I am guilty, I still can’t escape, can I not escape? Ah■■f■cking get away from me! Why are you doing this to me?
Did I make it in? I should have made it in, ■I should have done it.
All of you go fucking die!
(Should be December 30, 2020)
Date ____ Page ____
Extremely unhappy. Feels like I’ve swallowed a fly.
The young girl picked up another love letter, carelessly tearing open the pink envelope dotted with little white spots, her pale hand drawing out the pitifully thin letter paper. The moonlight happened to fall upon a corner of the wooden desk, forming a milky-white crystal platform. Black flames flowed and flickered within the crystal ball by the edge of the platform, faintly unleashing thunder and lightning inside. She unfolded the white paper and discovered a springtime.
Blue handwriting like flowing water converged with strokes of red like fresh flowers and green like young grass. The pink surface of the paper was like his pink affection. Yet the young girl remained utterly indifferent to it all. She picked up a book; behind her, tens of millions of identical books were stacked together. They all had purplish-copper covers, sleeping in a corner of ancient bricks that resembled a black castle. She shook her braided hair, letting it hang down naturally.
Until that pile of books suddenly collapsed, crushing her to death.