The conclusion faintly arrived at is that my thoughts are too complex.
I once viewed all my actions as a negation of others, to the extent that existence itself was deemed a sin. It was in this state of mind that Yozo prayed and departed from Yoshiko. However, at school, what right did I have to leave? For I viewed leaving school as a sin as well—a negation of others. — An inner monologue:
“You are all so kind, treating me so truly well. But why am I still like this? It can only be my own responsibility. No one insults me, bullies me, or mocks me—everything mentioned above, whether viewed objectively or subjectively by me, are things you have never done. But the fact that I am in pain, of this I am undoubtedly certain. Then the only remaining possible option is myself. The cause of everything is that I am mentally self-mutilating. Can I only waste your concern, while never having made any good response? Although the situation is improving—my bad influence on you is shrinking step by step. At least in action, I am becoming increasingly transparent. Yet I remain terrified of polluting your line of sight. Thus, non-action also contains the action of ‘existing.’ I am once again using the action of ‘existence’ to negate you all.
The world is a stage of affirmation. Yet I hide far away in a corner, daring not to breathe, terrified of any component of negation within action, thus abandoning action. My pain stems from the dissatisfaction with negation—existence, and self-affirmation. The failure of negating negation; negation is negating everything other than itself.
The only thing that has had a major impact on me, the PTSD, is the summer of 2018, that vast black space emerging in my mind. That person kneeling down.
The frequent emergence of thoughts of death in the first year of middle school, the caught-off-guard changes in environment in the first year of high school, allowed the nightmare to fully emerge. The few years of being left behind after parting from my mother in the first grade are likely the source of my introversion.
When I have no affirmation for myself in my heart, please do not encourage me; I will think you are hypocritical, that you are deceiving me, and the counter-effect will be even more severe.
When there is no one around, I feel fine.
I have never blamed you.
I love spatial solitude, I love it too much.
Clarification
Originally intended to be written to the grade head teacher, because school had just started then, and I was very unaccustomed to it. He gave me a lot of help. So, to introduce myself to him, I wrote a letter. Text is much simpler for me than speech, much more comfortable. Many of the viewpoints above I do not endorse now.
Presumed written in Sep 2020