The conclusion I have vaguely come to is that my thoughts are too complex.
I once viewed all of my actions as a negation of others, to the extent that existence itself was seen as a sin. It was in this frame of mind that Yozo prayed and left Junko. Yet in school, what right do I have to leave? Because I view leaving school as a sin, too—a negation of others. —An internal monologue:
“You are all so kind, treating me so very well. Then why am I still like this? It can only be my own fault. Not a single person has insulted me, bullied me, or mocked me—all of the above, whether viewed objectively or subjectively by me, are things you have never done. Yet the fact that I am in pain, I am certain beyond a doubt. Then the only remaining possible option is myself. The cause of everything is my own mental self-harm. Can I only waste your care, having never once given any good response? Even though things are getting better—my bad influence on you is shrinking step by step. At least in my actions, I am becoming more and more transparent. Yet I am still terrified of polluting your sight. Thus, inaction also contains the action of “existing.” Once again, through the action of “existence,” I am negating you.
The world is a stage of affirmation. While I hide far away in a corner, not daring to breathe, terrified of any element of negation in my actions, and thus abandoning action altogether. My pain stems from a dissatisfaction with negation—existence, and self-affirmation. The failure to negate the negation; negation is negating everything except itself.
The only thing that affected me deeply, that was PTSD-like, was in the summer of 2018, that vast black space emerging in my mind. That person kneeling down.
The frequent longing for death that emerged in my first year of middle school, and the sudden, overwhelming change of environment in my first year of high school, made the nightmare surface completely. The years spent as a left-behind child after parting from my mother in first grade are probably the wellspring of my introversion.
When I have no affirmation for myself in my heart, please do not encourage me. I will think you are hypocritical, that you are deceiving me, and the backlash will be even more severe.
When no one is around, I feel fine.
I have never blamed you.
I love spatial solitude, I love it so much.
Note
Originally, I intended to write this to the grade director, because school had just started back then and I was very unaccustomed to it. He gave me a lot of help. So I wrote a letter to introduce myself to him. For me, written words are much simpler than spoken words, much more comfortable. Many of the views above I no longer agree with now.
Presumed written in 2020.9